My Journey Journal
Week Two: An Emotional Week
Hello and welcome to week two of My Journey Journal! I’m honestly surprised we made it here today. Last week has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions for me for no particular reason. But that is more than alright, because I am here now to tell you how things are progressing and what has been going on (albeit, a couple of days late… And with no other posts on my blog for the past two weeks. OH MY what a rut I’ve been in.)
I’ve Finally Started Losing Weight!
So, like I said in my last post, I started this leg of my health and fitness journey back in November. Since then, I’ve been working out five days a week, sometimes multiple times a day (gotta get that Zumba class in regardless of my morning workout still). I’ve also started counting my calories using the My Fitness Pal app (not my macros yet, but that is on the list!). That being said, I was pretty terrible at keeping to any sort of diet. I was still binge eating every other day and just feeling all-around gross at the gym.
But I pressed on. And now I find myself binge eating only once or twice a week or so (which is a HUGE victory for me!) and started getting a little bit more comfortable with going to the gym (read: I found a corner that people rarely go into and workout over there. Baby steps.) Just now, I’m starting to see the progress. Remember that post I had about not being able to fit into my regular size of Forever 21 jeans, well I can button them now. I’m trying not to focus too hard on the scale, but I’ve lost 7.5 lbs total as of writing this. My clothes all fit a little bit looser and for some reason, I went down a shoe size (okay, I have no idea if this is related to my weight loss or not… But it happened around the same time as my pants started getting looser, so I’m assuming so?). So here’s to weight loss happening on this journey!
I’ve Started Eating Better
Well, sort of. I’m eating very healthy breakfasts, and then losing it a little bit at lunch and dinner. My new goal for the rest of this week is to make protein shakes taste good. Seriously, every one I’ve ever tried has been chalky and gross. For the most part, I’ve just thrown some protein powder into fruit smoothies and called it good. I really want to try other recipes, though.
So, my lunches and dinners have been pretty fatty. I’m talking about hot dogs, processed ham, pizza, fast food… I ate out a TON these past couple of weeks. Somehow I’m still making my calorie goals for the day (something about eating in moderation or something), but I just feel gross. Cleaning up my eating fully is going to take time and I’m glad that I have breakfast down. But I know that lunch and dinner are really going to be struggles for me. Wish me luck!
I Wanted to Give Up
I still don’t know what happened this weekend that made me so tense, but I spent the whole weekend stressed out. My mind was running frantically in every direction and I couldn’t calm it no matter what I tried.
By Monday morning, I was exhausted from lack of good sleep and still feeling super stressed. Regardless, I headed over to the gym and… just felt weak the whole time. My arms were shaking, I couldn’t focus, I felt like my legs were made of jelly just from walking on the treadmill… I finished my workout and went home confused about the whole thing.
Mondays are one of those days where I usually go to the gym twice (once in the morning for my regular workout, then again in the evening for a Zumba class). I missed class the week prior and really wanted to get back in the swing of things, so I headed on over. On my way to class, I witnessed a car accident (I couldn’t do much to help, there were lots of others already on the scene and the driver was okay. Otherwise I would have stopped.) and by the time I parked in the gym’s parking lot, I was starting to become unraveled. I went in and danced anyways.
When I finally got home, I felt broken. I hid in my room and all of the thoughts about my body, weight loss, and the day just exploded out of my mind. I wanted to quit. I spent two hours trying to think of the perfect way to tell my trainer that I wasn’t coming in anymore. Things were getting too hard and I was too uncomfortable.
But I Didn’t Give Up
After six hours at staring at my bedroom wall thinking things over and watching some YouTube videos about what I was going through, I was able to pinpoint what was actually wrong. I’m not going to get into it just yet (I still don’t have a solution to my problem, but knowing that it’s my problem is a grand step in the right direction), but my body image is a huge factor in why I’ve felt so crappy at the gym and everywhere else. So I made a decision.
I went to the gym this morning. Then right after, I went swimming. I had some huge victories in the pool that definitely would not have happened if I didn’t stick to my gym plan. Things are still hard, I’m still a little bit emotionally raw, but I’m not going to give up on this. Not this time.
Here’s to going to the gym, working out, eating better, learning about myself, and everything else that I’m starting to do because of this journey I’m on. It’s tough, but I’m still tougher.